Well here we go, it's been two months since my last blog post! Bah! Sporadic blog posting was never my intention but so it seems to be the case with me up to now. As I have embarked on the beginning of my training regimen for the marathon in January, something has occurred to me...
For the past two years now I have told you some of the challenges that Katherine, Heather and Andrea face as a person living with arthritis. I've shared with you some very personal details of Katherine's life especially in an attempt to find some understanding on what drives me to raise money for this group of diseases and do what I can to find a cure for Arthritis. What I haven't shared with you is what I think the main reason as to why I empathize so much with these three beautiful women. I too have lived with a "silent disease" that took over my life for 16 years. Clinical depression.
This confession of sorts probably comes as a pretty big shock to many of you as there have been very, very few people in my life aside from my immediate family that I ever had the courage to tell. I am a people pleasing perfectionist by nature and the last thing I ever want is attention or sympathy from others for something I struggled to understand and come to terms with myself. Never mind the social stigma associated with a mental health concern. I was a high acheiving student and athlete at the time of my diagnosis.... How could I ever let out my secret? So, in my quest to never upset others, I suffered and struggled to survive in silence. This silence probably contributed to the length of time it took me to finally get to the place I've been in for the past 3 1/2 years, healthy!
Depression, like arthritis comes in various forms and there is no cure-all medication or therapy. There are good days, bad days and very bad days and every case is like starting from scratch again for the specialists that deal with this disease. Though there are common therapy themes; medication and psychotherapy are usually the first two suggestions for treatment, every person responds differently and not all medications work for everyone. It took me 16 long years of seeking treatment, fighting to get my mental health back and striving for that ever elusive "normal" diagnosis. I firmly believe that if it wasn't for this life experience, I wouldn't have the ability to understand what I do about what Katherine, Heather and Andrea go through. I can't fathom the pain they live with, but I know all too well the mental struggle of wondering, "why me?"
Depression in my life has given me the gift of knowing what I am and what I am not capable of. I know that I need to surround myself with genuine, honest, like minded people. I know I need to stay physically active and I know that I will always be harder on myself, on and off the proverbial field, than anyone else could ever be. The people pleasing perfectionist in me is very much alive but I have a much greater understanding of whom she really is because of clinical depression.
Katherine, Heather and Andrea, believe me when I tell you that I would be and have been honoured to be there for you during your very bad days. I remember them all too well and I know that I only let one or two people really know when I was having one. Thank you for sharing your stories and personal details with me and allowing me to share them with others. You are more special than you know.
